Sadness and Hope

The kids and I have been following the blog of a two year old girl named Layla Grace Marsh. She had Stage 4 Neuroblastoma cancer. We would check her blog daily and pray for her and her family at night. This girl's situation really hit home for me because Layla is Dylan's age and one of her sister's is Scout's age. We found out yesterday that Layla lost her fight with cancer and passed away. When I told Scout about it she was very upset and cried for a long time. I found myself laying in bed with her, holding her while she cried and trying to answer questions like-"Why did God let her get cancer?" and "Why did God let her suffer so much?". These are questions I wrestle with myself and I felt extremely unqualified to be answering them.
In the few short months we followed the blog, I began to love my kids deeper, hold them and kiss them more, was more patient with them, and spoke to God and about God more to my kids. It is amazing how one person who I didn't even meet could do such a thing. I talked to Scout about God's plan for each of us, and how maybe it was God's purpose for Layla to come to earth to impact so many people through her illness. I told her that our goal is to glorify God and that when we get to heaven it is our hope that God will say to us-"Well done good and faithful servant." I think through these discussions Scout is really starting to get it.........maybe it is sinking in that we are here to make a positive impact on the people around us in the name of Jesus Christ.
After the tears dried up, Scout said she wanted to take all her piggy bank money and donate it to neuroblastoma research (we have learned that this type of cancer is extremely under-researched). She said she wanted to tell Layla's story over and over again to people around her and hopefully they would feel compelled to give as well. She went to school this morning with a plan to organize a fundraiser for Layla and her disease. I emailed her teacher last night to give her a head's up- I got a response back this morning that her school would support Scout's efforts! I am so proud of her. Lately I have been thinking about the kids and how it has been the pleasure of my life to be their mom.

It's night's like Wednesday night when I wish I wasn't a single mom. For the most part I am ok with all of responsibilities I have and I feel like I divide myself as evenly as possible with an eight year old and a two year old (a lot of times the attention tips toward Dylan because he requires more help). Wednesday night was a breaking point for both me and Scout. Dylan was in the bath tub and Scout needed help with her math homework. I had Scout bring her work into the bathroom and for a minute I was playing trains with Dylan then I would flip back into teaching Scout how to borrow *confusing concept even for me*. Scout was so frustrated and she was being really short and not trying at all. Angry words went back and forth between me and Scout and it ended with Scout shouting at me that I don't love her at all and I love Dylan more than her. She was being so sarcastic and hateful and I would like to say that I handled it with grace and love but I didn't. Dylan was watching the whole thing go down- not something I want my two year old to witness. After I sent her to bed an hour early and got Dylan down I felt.......worn out.

Sunday Dinner

Something happened on Sunday that was absolutely disgusting and hilarious all at the same time and I thought you may get a laugh out of it. I took the kids to my parents house for dinner on Sunday. My dad roasted a *25 pound turkey* that was delicious! Dylan has not been eating much lately- he prefers to eat cookies, Spiderman treats or Pop-Tarts for all meals, including breakfast. So I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner (first mistake) and he said "No, I want ice cream instead". When I told him he had to eat dinner first the tears started in full force. At one point my mom even asked if it was ok to feed him ice cream for dinner just this once because he was upsetting my nana. No one likes upsetting nana. I cut four small pieces of turkey and said he could eat ice cream if he finished all the pieces (second mistake). He ate the first two pieces in one bite and started gagging a little. I gave him a full sippy cup of soymilk and told him to drink the milk to get the food down. Then I took the third bite and dropped it in his mouth. His face was contorting and he kept sticking out his tongue. I thought he was being dramatic but apparently he was pretty serious about not wanting to eat the turkey. By the time I convinced him to put the last bite into his mouth Scout came by to watch what was going on and to encourage her brother that yes- the ice cream was well worth the effort of eating the turkey. In a split second Dylan had projectile vomited a full cup of soymilk (ever smelled that coming up???) and smashed turkey bites. On Scout. It was hilarious......and disgusting all at the same time! Scout has the weakest gag reflex ever and so when she saw all the vomit on her pants and shoes, she started to gag as well. To look at my 2 kids, dry heaving and throwing up- I don't even have the words. In the end, Scout did not throw up and sadly, Dylan was too upset to have his ice cream. He didn't eat anything until Monday morning.